Posted on June 04th, 2003 07:02 PM by admin

Written by Inna McNeill

Reducing Transition Stress:

Understand this. Your wife will almost certainly get through the stress period. None of our married women clients have returned home. Russian women are psychologically tough. They will get through it, and the will begin to think of your home as the "real" home, but how long does it take?

For me, a 37 year old from Moscow, it took me about 2 years before I was thinking of my house here in Eugene, Oregon as home. I travel to Russia every year to work with the ladies in our agency and my staff in Sochi, and I stay there about 2 or 3 months because besides my business, my mother and sister and nieces still live in Russia. However,when I am in Russia I terribly miss my home here in America, my family and my new friends. I miss the American style of life, and I want go to home as soon as possible.

There are ways that you can reduce the transition stresses for your new bride. But here is a consideration for you men working on marrying a Russian woman. You are choosing a Russian woman precisely because she is from a different culture. The wonderful parts of that culture come with her, such as her belief in family and her duty and desire to create a cozy warm home to house the family. Family is everything for her, and language problems or other transition stresses are of little importance when you consider the overall wonderful change in your life. So your job is to reduce transition stress and make it possible for your new Russian bride to create what she desires, a home with you together.

1. You have to be flexible and patient.
While she must learn English, and she must learn to drive, that doesn't mean that she has to be miserable too. You can help by being more Russian. Eat what she cooks, find out where the ESL courses are and take her there. If you know other Russians in town, introduce her. Realize that while she wants to be seen as adult, but during this transition period she is off balance. She can not participate in big decisions yet as she doesn't yet know the rules of our society but work to include her in the decisions you make. Put her in charge of the house as much as possible. She will soon flower into a huge asset for you and your new family.

Russian women are brought up to do well in school and contribute in and outside the family, yet from her earliest memory a Russian girl will tell you that her responsibility is to create the home to which the family will come, be born into, and prosper. The most educated Russian woman given a choice between career and family life will choose family. However, given a real choice she will choose both, and you yourself have seen this if you have been to Russia. The women work, shop, and take care of the home, for that is what must be done to make it all work. And she will expect you to value the family above all else and to protect it and provide, as that is the role of the man in Russian culture. So let her make your home beautiful, and encourage her to cook and take care of you. She has come her to fulfill her life long destiny and you both will be happiest if you will let her take care of you, and mother you when your sick and make you well, for that is the greatest stress reduction she can have during the transition time. She needs success and from childhood that success has been described as taking care of you, her husband. Don't be independent just because you are being the teacher. Need her and she will flower within your new home.

2. Explain that the house is safe.
Show her how all the locks work, even the ones on the bathroom door. American has a great many locks, and many are so easy to understand. IF you have sliding glass doors and a front door made of wood, realize that this is going to make her nervous. This would be no security at all in Russia. Try to calm her fears and explain what is safe and unsafe here. Russia has different crimes and dangers than America. Take some time from work and travel with her to the store, the bank, the library, to school so that she knows the way. If she doesn't have her license yet, teach her how to use the bus. All these small things in the first few weeks will help her settle in to her new surroundings.

3. Become a little bit more Russian yourself.
Take your shoes off at the door. Wash your hands when you first come into the house. Learn to enjoy the food she cooks and help her to learn to cook the foods you like. Find out where the closest Russian food store is and take her there the very first week she is here. That way the Russian community will find her and she them and best, she can get the special Russian foods that are her mommy foods (just like you have yours).

4. Accept Russian Cultural Traditions.
Remember that Russians don't celebrate Western Christmas on 25 of December. Russians have Orthodox Christmas on the 7th of January. However it's only an official holiday in Russia, celebrated only by the Old Believers. For Russian people traditionally is very important to celebrate New Year from the evening of December 31st until the morning the 1st of January. Russians have a great party with family and friends on this night. You needn't stay up all night, of course. However it will be very nice of you to have romantic a midnight meal with her on the night of December 31st with bottle of Champagne. For your Russian wife it's very important that you don't forget her Birthday,Women's day, or New Year's Eve. Let her know how much you care and wish to take care of her! In addition, March 8th is women's day and flowers and presents for all women are expected. These are the three most important dates for her, and you should give presents on all three of them.

5. Reduce Her Homesickness!
You need to be ready for the fact that your Russian wife will terribly miss her native land, her home and her family in Russia. It takes from 1- 2 years for women to feel her home is here.

She needs to communicate rather often with her family and friends in Russia, especially the first 6 months from time she came here. Arrange for her to be able to phone home to family and friends. From the USA the cost of calling is very low, and if you look you can find prices below 14 cents per minute even to the Russian provinces. Phone company"Russia-Bell" - Moscow for 2.40 cents per minute!

It is even cheaper to call the big Russian cities, often as low as 7 cents per minute. However don't have her family call you, as this is commonly $3/minute from Russia.

You can also sign up for satellite TV. Dish Network has three Russian channels, NTV, NTV+, and NTV4. Great channels, a lot of movies, and they show programs and news from Russia. It will cost you about $30 per months plus the equipment. You can get installation free from many companies who sell Dish Network products.

You can also sign up for Russian weekly Newspaper "V NOVOM SVETE" and your wife will enjoy reading interesting articles and news from Russia and the USA . It cost only $39 per year. You can pay by credit card, in the US, just call 1 (212) 302-8769 Fax: 1(212) 302-8828 , e-mail : subscribe@vnsnews.com

So there are a few concrete things you can do to make your brides transition to American life easier. What do you get in return? I find that most of my men clients are positively delighted to finally find a woman that meets them at the door when they come home - delighted to see them. You'll be surprised to find that she wants to support you in your daily effort, and that she is a staunch and outspoken supporter. For the house, the home and the family you'll find you have a woman who will shop more frugally and better than you ever have. You find a woman who thinks it is important that you look nice when you go out, and a woman who will take pride in you. Someone who'll want to put her arm through yours as you enter a room. In short you'll have someone who wants to be part of you and your world and not just a friend. To read more about cultural difference http://arussianromance.com/culture.htm

Inna McNeill