Posted on June 04th, 2003 07:01 PM by admin

Written by Inna McNeill
My name is Inna Serebryakova (my married name is Inna McNeill). I am a Russian woman who came here to the USA at age 37 with my 13 y.o. daughter in August 1998 and married to an American man from Eugene, Oregon http://arussianromance.com/inna.htm I own and operate "A Russian Romance" matchmaking agency in Russia and in the USA (from July 1999), and men often ask me how a "Russian woman" will adapt to life in the United States or Canada. I personally know the stress of coming here in the same situation as these women, and of course every day I counsel many women who are married through our agency and live in the USA and other western countries. There is no standard "Russian woman" but still we can make some generalizations. I will use the USA for my examples as the majority of my clients are US citizens. But the same suggestions apply for almost all western countries.

Coming to America or any western culture from Russia inevitably has a great deal of stress associated with the move. We talk as if all these stresses are just one, and call it transition stress. Really there are several components to it, and it affects some women much more than others. Because of this we have professional psychologists on our staff and we try to prepare our women to go through these difficult changes more easily by educating them about Western culture and the realities of life here in the USA.

1. Culture Shock:
The woman knows NOTHING about America, except fantasies, movies, and dreams. This means that she will have a problem when confronted by the "real" America that she will find. I remember when I came here. The first "disappointment" of America was that it is a large country with very few "real cities", very different from Western Europe. At first a woman sees only what is different from her expectations, and only later will she begin to see what an American sees. Her change in perception is not quick, it takes time and you must be patient with your new bride. But it does come. In the mean time you are everything for her, her eyes and ears, language interpreter and cultural interpreter.

There will be a different "real" America for each woman as some the men they are marrying are of many types. Some are rich, some poor, and of many different personalities. But no matter which man, or what his economic status, America will be a shock for the new Russian bride. The woman will find herself in a world where nothing works the same as it did at home. Stores don't work the same, food is not purchased in the same way, and the TV is incomprehensible. The American women she sees don't dress up or wear much makeup, instead they go out in jeans. Even the neighborhoods themselves seem barren with no one on the streets. In Russia there are always people walking everywhere, but your new bride will not yet understand that Americans outside of the largest cities, drive everywhere. Which brings us to the another huge stress problem.

2. Cars:
Most Russian women do not drive. Moreover, they have not spent their life in cars. Most Americans have spent huge amounts of time since they were a baby riding in cars. Americans feel comfortable in cars and the driving rules seem obvious. For Americans learning to drive is looked forward to by most teenagers because it means freedom. Your new Russian wife may not have the same excitement, and in fact may be scared to death by the whole idea of driving. However, if your goal is to have your wife actually participate in life in America, driving is required. Expect the learning curve to be much longer for her than for an American and be patient, patient, patient. Also consider hiring a driving instructor and not trying to do it all yourself.

3. Language Stress:
Learning English, to become fluent in English is one of the two hardest tasks that most of our women clients have faced in coming to the USA. Even if they have medium fluency in English, they will be baffled by American English and our idioms. Paper or Plastic, debit or credit card, cash back, and the assault of telemarketers at supper time (they can't believe that Americans allow this), all these totally will confuse her and make her feel stupid and small. All the women say they feel like newborn babies when they first come to America. The ONLY cure for this learning English. English as a Second Language courses (ESL) are free to immigrants and this should be one of your brides top priorities. There are currently 7 levels in most programs and you should expect her to take at least two years to get through all the levels. And she must practice.

Many men have said they would learn Russian, and of course that is very sweet and loving, but your new bride will need to function in your country with your language. You are not helping by slowing down her learning of the language. Spend the time you would have spent learning Russian helping her learn English. Fluency is critical for participating in a culture instead of just sitting in, mute. Fluency is also critical if the women has any hopes of applying her education outside of the home. Most Russian women are very well educated, but they will not be able to apply that education without being fluent in your native language. I believe that there is no woman born and raised in Russia who is exempt from this transition language stress. I have a good friend who was an English teacher in college in Russia for many years. She was fluent in English, yet when she came here and married an American man she felt totally lost and isolated. The idioms and the fact that she had learned English English, not American English, left her exhausted and stressed. Her husband helped her through this of course and today she is an ESL instructor in the local community college.