Posted on December 04th, 2003 01:17 PM by admin

- Isn't 'it crazy?
- I don't think this will work...
- Is this possible?
- Ha-ha, I wonder, how long that marriage is going to last, if the dating time was so short...

These were the remarks made by people of different temperament types, when they heard the name of this article. As you can see, the most of reactions are quite skeptical.

But, whether we are skeptical about this or not, statistics proves that there are many success stories about engagements that happened in not more that a week! One in every eight couples need exactly this time to decide that they “fit” each other, and more than 80% of these couples end up with official marriage.

We have discussed this problem with Dan Reed, who has kindly agreed to share his story with us.

“I am 43 and have never been married, for my personal attitude to marriage has always been very serious”, - says Dan. “I'd used to visit Russia and Ukraine in past, and dated with some women, but I've never been so close to marriage as I am now.”

“This time, when I visited Dnepropetrovsk, I was coming to see a girl who I'd been corresponding with for a while. I chose Dnepropetrovsk, because I saw many very attractive young women at the web-site of “Cinderella” marriage agency. When I saw her in real life, I needed two days to understand that I felt like... trying to meet one or two other women... to compare, to choose, to analyze – I think I simply wanted to avoid taking a wrong decision. Well, I met Alla at one of the parties arranged by the agency. After a party spent in company of several men and women from Dnepropetrovsk, I understood that I wanted to meet Alla again, and soon I realized that I was ready to tell myself: “This woman is the one I want to know better”.

“I think all process of relationships depends largely on individuals. I'd tried long-term relationships, but they did not work. Well, this time everything happened so quickly, but it seems I did not fail to learn the most important things about her, that helped me take the decision about wedding. The biggest problem for us is her limited language ability. We couldn't get along without interpreter. This upsets me a bit. I am not sure we'll be able to learn much about each other while she does not speak English. When we start living together, I'll send her to take a course of English at university, for I would like to help her learn more about my culture. But language and culture barriers should not stop individuals from trying to be together. And there is no sense speaking about time limit in situations like mine. Yes, I had only a week in Dnepropetrovsk to get to know her. But, anyway, we have a lifetime to learn about each other!”

“The time we spent together was limited but it was enough for both of us to understand that we should continue and develop this relationship. I think both of us believe we'll be all right. When both people are willing to be together, they can come to compromises. In fact, Marriage IS a chain of compromises, and I hope she is ready to face this.”

“I had an opportunity to see that Alla is open for compromises. I'll give you a story. I picked up Alla to a party arranged by the marriage agency in Dnepropetrovsk, and I had an interpreter, and I also invited another woman. I wanted to see how Alla would act in social situations. Of course, I could see that Alla was not happy. One thing I really don't like is jealousy, and I wanted to know whether she is jealous or not. I could see that she was upset to see there were two other women there. After the party I invited her – only her – for the Friday party. Well, the way she behaved that evening made me understand that she likes me enough, and wants to be with me.”

“I was certainly interested to know more about her family, and to visit her home, if possible. She lives alone now, but i had a chance to see her mother – she accepted our marriage. It's funny, I'd expected a more romantic atmosphere, but it happened when we were standing at the bus station... I kissed her when I proposed to her, and I must say, her kiss was the best confirmation for me.”

Dan's story sounds romantic and – at the same time, there is nothing unusual in it. Dan was anticipating to meet a woman who can potentially become his wife. This means he was READY to meet his fortune. Everyone knows how stressful it is for a man to take steps towards marriage. But when he is ready to take some step, he always feels like doing it as soon as possible. Alla was ready for this, too. Though women are very emotional, their decisions are always based on some reasoning (which may seem very illogical for men's understanding), Alla was ready and willing to take this decision, too.

Dan's decision was very well reasoned, as well. He did not need more than a few days to understand Alla's intentions, character and interests. I'd rather say more – the limited time they had in Dnepropetrovsk helped both of them take this serious decision. The whole time stretch that is normally necessary for two people to get adapted to each other, was kind of “compressed” for Dan and Alla. I think they did a lot of hard brainwork that week to find answers to hundreds of questions about each other before they said “Yes, let us try.”

The whole cycle of relationships between two people goes through several stages.

Stage 1. Meeting for the first time – making the first impression about each other (in most situations this impression is based on emotional and visual basis) – taking decision whether it is worth meeting again or not.

Stage 2. “Tuning” and adaptation to each other – learning to ask and answer questions, developing a system of communication based on extra linguistic parameters – which is exceptionally important in intercultural communication.

Stage 3. Experimenting and analyzing – both people try to learn more about each other, and deliberately create situations which – in their opinion- can help them learn more about each other.

Stage 4. Reasoning – a period of hard thinking whether your choice is correct or not. It is always supported with some time of hesitation and instability – feeling like sharing your secret thoughts with the other person (and – quite often – taking decision not to share these secret thoughts at the moment)

Stage 5. Taking the decision, and often – finding reasons to explain each other why this decision has to be taken right now.

The time length is not so important in this process. What really matters, is the work of mind. Our mind works really fast, so when two people have enough experience to build up decisions, they can take this decision even faster than in a week. Moreover, when both people know their time together is limited, the mind receives a strong impulse to work faster.

I believe, Dan and Alla faced the same situation, but this time this was a very serious “test” - maybe the most important test in their lives. They were very concentrated on passing it successfully, and they did it!

“OK. What's next?” - you will ask. I hope, we are going to hear from Dan and Alla again soon, to listen to the story of Alla's first visit to his culture. Let us wish them good luck.

By Irina Timchenko
Russian Women Video Marriage Agency

Courtesy of: Irina Timchenko - Russian Women Video Marriage Agency

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