Posted on December 01st, 2003 03:50 PM by admin

Today we are going to look at possible solutions of the first date dilemma in international relationships between men and women. Most of you, dear readers, are corresponding with women from Ukraine or Russia, and, as far as I could notice from our weekly chat rooms, most of the men ask similar questions, and have similar concerns about their first meeting with their charming pen-friends.

Many articles, monographs, classical novels and popular movies give us numerous examples of situations when men and women more or less exactly fail to understand each other during the first face-to-face meeting. I am sorry to admit, however, that these stories neither offer us certain solutions, nor background experience which might be used in our own lives. These examples can only seed more hesitation and discomfort in your minds. Besides, we have to bear in mind that every new relationship is unique, and all the advice I can offer today, will be based on general statistics or someone else's past experience. In your own life, however, each of you will have to make individual decisions about what to say and what to do – right on the spot.

Anyway, let us try and study it logically. First of all, international relationships and marriage are complicated with inter-cultural aspect. When taken together with personal, social, age and sex differences between a man and a woman, it can create a uniquely flavored “cocktail” which can be enjoyed only by well-prepared people! Let us look at the ingredients of this “cocktail”. Hopefully, this will help you see some personal ways to overcome the excitement of the first date.

Cultural differences. In most cases, the first meeting between Russian women and an American men takes place “on her territory”, I mean, in one of the Russian/Ukrainian cities. Each of you will certainly experience a so-called cultural shock, which will be doubled by feeling of drowsiness caused by the jet lag. Try not to let the physical state affect your first date impressions, if possible.

When facing your girl for the first time, you may be surprised by the clothes she is wearing, her hairstyle or make up. You may also see some expressions on her face which are a bit unusual. Besides, there are many cases when men and women do not understand each other to 100% because of language problems, but are shy to confess they do not understand everything, and have to guess the meaning of phrases upon separate familiar words they manage to catch in course of speaking. This can lead both of you to bad misunderstanding. That's why, every time you are going to say something, tell it very clearly, try not to hurry when speaking, and speak facing her directly – to let her see your lips which simplifies understanding a bit.

When you see that your girl is silent and takes no initiative to speak, do not make immediate conclusion that she is introversive – she may simply be shy to speak because of the language barrier.

If you are going to stay with her several days, try to arrange and meet her in a circle of her friends (family, partners) – any people, and simply watch her – try to notice the way she speaks her native language to people, the way she smiles in casual atmosphere, the way she treats other people around – all these little notes can be a good accomplishment to the personality portrait that you are trying to create in your imagination.

A very good way to know more about a person is to visit his/her home. I hope you will have this opportunity during your visit to her city. Certainly, the way Russians/Ukrainians live is very different from the American lifestyle, but even your first visit to a Russian home can be very fruitful. Simply make notes about how she does some habitual things about her home – where and how she puts things on their places, how she cooks coffee, how she lays the table before lunch – all these little things can help you create an image of future life together.

Personal differences. They are universal. Whatever psychologists tell you about the first date in America, can be transcended to other corners of the world. I hope the personal differences you notice about each other at the first meeting will not cause general antipathy or misunderstanding – for this feeling is often false, and, anyway, we should not charge people before we get to know them well enough. If you see something that is definitely different from your looks on life, do not hurry to make any final decisions. Remember, that many people with very different characters can live happily together for dozens of years – accomplishing one another in opinions, actions, looks on life.

It sounds ridiculous, but, so far, psychologists have devoted relatively little time to finding out what makes good marriages succeed. If we take a look at some results of family relationships study, we can develop a model of behavior which can help you see whether your first-date charming princess is ready to become a queen in your family kingdom, or not. I would like to offer you a short overview of a study, undertaken by an American psychologist.

Judith S. Wallerstein, PhD, has studied 50 couples who have been married for at least nine years. She listed several “psychological tasks” as the pillars on which any marital relationship rests. To feel happy in marriage, both of the spouses are to

separate emotionally from the family of one’s childhood so as to invest fully in the marriage and, at the same time, to redefine the lines of connection with both families of origin.

try to build togetherness based on mutual identification, shared intimacy and an expanded conscience that includes both partners, while at the same time setting boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy.

establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the incursions of the workplace and family obligations.

embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage. The couple must learn to continue the work of protecting their own privacy.

maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity. In marriage partners should be able to express their differences, anger and conflict.

use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and avoid boredom and isolation.

comfort each other, satisfy each other’s needs for dependency and offer continuing encouragement and support.

keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time.

These tasks are not assigned from outside of the marital relationship, but are inherent in the marriage. They do not represent a chart to be hung on the kitchen wall and checked off daily. At the same time, if you keep them in mind during your first date, you can easily see, how well is your girlfriend prepared for the future family life, and what steps are to be taken to DEVELOP healthy relationship between both of you.

Remember that the first date is only the first step towards mutual happiness. You cannot trust your own feelings and impressions. That's why, simply be tolerant – things will sort themselves out. But the main idea of the first meeting is to see whether your girlfriend is family-oriented, or she is still not sure if she is going to marry or not.

Relationship and marriage are different things. You've got to understand the difference yourself, first of all. Then, try to see if your woman understands this the same way as you do.

When she is much younger than you, the responsibility of creating the mutual system of long-term family relationship is laid on your shoulders. When a girl is very young, she thinks mostly about herself, and – a little – about HIM. She has a wonderful image of herself being supported by a gentle, strong and careful man, but she will first of all think about her own – personal – interests. In this case you will take a difficult task of being the one who gently directs the woman to her maturity. I would only offer you to be tolerant and prepared for several years of gradual development of your relations into a real stable family.

When she is in her thirties – she begins thinking within different dimensions - “ME and HIM” - her system of values transforms into a beautiful and romantic image of two people being together. She is more flexible and complaisant in her looks on life, and she herself is seeking long-term and calm family relations. Here, your task is different – try to find ways to coordinate your efforts. Do everything together on the mutual way towards family happiness. You will share the responsibility, but none of you can relax. Look for equality in relationship, since the very first date.

Here we are coming to the problems which cannot be resolved in one day. And I would not want to make you feel that the first date is at the same time a hard work that should be done. No. I'd rather offer you to be yourself, and try to be as calm as possible. This is the first condition to reach objectiveness in your first-date assessment of each other.

Simply make memory notes about everything that happens – you will reconsider them afterwards. And during the date – simply enjoy it! You can't get to know everything. This is the FIRST meeting, not the last! So taste it with pleasure. We wish you good luck!

By Irina Timchenko Russian Women Video Marriage Agency

Courtesy of: Irina Timchenko - Russian Women Video Marriage Agency

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