Posted on June 04th, 2003 06:58 PM by admin

Written by Weston Rogers webmaster of ABC's of Russian Women

In my correspondence with Russian women, the two central reasons always given for wanting to marry an American man were, to escape the current economic hardships of Russia and disenchantment with Russian men. Without question, the first reason made perfect sense, causing no consternation on my part. For what is wrong with someone wanting to better there life in a country offering more opportunities for material growth. For centuries, immigrants have come to America seeking a better life and have become gainfully immersed in the American business fabric.

Regarding the second reason, it is important to understand the underlying reasons why Russian women are typically disenchanted with Russian men and how these attitudes might transfer over to American men. As discussed in Women's work ethic topic, Russian women have become entrenched in the Russian work force. Also, based on seven decades of dictatorship, the majority of Russian men lost the opportunity to develop their personal initiative. Lacking any sense of real worth in their work, men lost their motivation, self-esteem, sense of responsibility and became lazy. Women on the other hand, continued to rule their households and never suffered a sense of helplessness. With these two elements in place, Russian women have become increasingly dominant over their male counterparts, during the past 30 to 40 years. Russian women have assumed matriarchal ways and continue an aggressive super-woman tradition through sheer force of habit.

This male/female power struggle has created problems, because within her heart the Russian women wants a traditional household - where the man is the center post of the family and she is the feminine woman beside him. The Russian woman does not want to be her husband's equal, and is tired of losing her femininity assuming a double burden of work and home. Rather, she wants him to be more intellectual, wiser, stronger and the primary wage earner. But therein lies the problem, for the husband must take control from his aggressive wife. If he cannot effectively assert his dominance, she views him as weak, loses respect and becomes disenchanted with her husband. The Russian woman's hope is that perestroika will renew the Russian man's dominance so that she may become less aggressive and regain her womanliness.

Three other important factors contributing to the Russian woman's disenchantment with Russian men centers around manners, brutality and alcoholism. The Russian man's traditional generosity and nobility of character has been suppressed by decades of centralized government authority and replaced by apathy. Russian women perceive American men to lack inhibitions, to be bold and daring. American men are considered to possess chivalry and aristocratic courtesy (even more so than Europeans) by Russian women. Russian men frequently physically beat their women stemming from personal frustrations and endeavoring to prove their manhood. For decades, alcoholism has been a tremendous problem among Russian men who consider excessive drinking an acceptable social behavior.

To summarize, many Russian woman are disenchanted with their native Russian men and think foreign men are the answer to their happiness. This may indeed be true, especially if you are the type of man looking for a traditional woman and are willing to assert your control as the head of household. Don't expect the Russian woman to just give you control, your dominance will assuredly be tested. But, at the same time you must always be courteous to your wife, treating her like the feminine woman she desires to be.

Love and marriage

In the Western culture of America, love and marriage are intricately intertwined. If an American woman openly stated she married a man without loving him, she would be scorned by both sexes and showered with negative superlatives. However, such a statement within the Russian culture, would not be given a second thought.

A brief review of government ideology helps set the stage for understanding current orientation of love and marriage in Russia. The review starts with the Revolution of 1917, with Lenin espousing the official state position on love and marriage. That marriage must be based on love and passion, with divorce being considered an accepted escape in the absence of love. The official state ideology changed dramatically under Stalin proclaiming romantic love (agape) was the only foundation for marriage and the sexual component of love should be de-emphasized. Stalin imposed this new ideology through literature, art and the mass media, whereby the mere mention of sexuality was prohibited. This ideology of romantic love and marriage continued to be fostered by the state after Stalin, until perestroika.

Thus, how has the typical Russian woman's personal beliefs about love and marriage been affected by the past three decades of state ideology? Surveys indicate, Russian women believe in and hope for romantic love in their own marriage. However, the typical Russian woman is very pragmatic when it comes to love being a prerequisite for marriage. Heterosexual love with a husband is secondary to the values of blood kinship, child/parent responsibility and matriarchal ties. As previously noted under the topic of Sexual relations, Russian women have historically entered marriage to escape the persecution of being labeled an old maid and achieve their womanliness by bearing children. Further, marriage is viewed as a useful tool to achieve ones personal desires (e.g. escape from home, move to a different city, improve job and social status). Of course, Russian women hope true love will blossom with their mate during the course of marriage, but is not essential to a long term marriage.

The Russian viewpoint of love and marriage is obviously different than the typical American viewpoint. This undeniable difference substantiates why Russian women are willing to marry American men. Is it wrong? That's a personal decision, you must decide for yourself. Conversely, I wonder how many American men have entered into marriage with a Russian woman because she pragmatically embodied all the traits they wanted in a wife. The point of this discussion of love and marriage is simply this: Be honest with yourself and the Russian women you meet regarding the importance of love upon entering into marriage. Your Russian friend may tell you point blank she currently feels no love for you, but don't be surprised if she still wants to marry you - its her culture.

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